When I was a teen, I wrote my own satire newspaper that included news, weather, ads, movie reviews, a food section, obituaries, and want ads. I thought that with all the heartbreak going on in the world right now, a little laughter is just what we need. Below, you will find the movie reviews, want ads and obits section from that paper. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Below is my movie review section.
Showcase - Movie Reviews
R Ze Gaadfuuter: A German mafia family moves to New York to carry about its business. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Keanu Reeves stars. I give it 3.5 martinis.
PG-13 Bambi 2: The Revenge: Bambi organizes a communist uprising among his frolicy friends of the forest to wipe out the human hunters. This is cute, loveable, and entertaining. I give it three antlers.
R Men in White: This is a story about white rappers that are living in Harlem, trying to become known. David Spade and Steve Martin star. I give it one record.
PG-13 Close Encounters of the Absurd Kind: A pre-teen takes us through his ever-changing life dealing with puberty. Malcom in the Middle star Frankie Muniz stars. I give it three pimples.
PG-13 007: Fighting Tired: Bond is back, but with John Goodman under cover this time. He's in to infiltrate a street clan known as the 'foot.' I give it three aces.
Ever wonder what makes some toilets so clean? Why, you of course! Scrub celebrity-used toilets of big name celebrities! 6.75/hr. No experience needed!
Good Year Blimp Pilot
Ever wanted to soar majestically like the Zeppelin and sell quality tires? Here's your chance to do both at the same time! A pilot's license is required, but it's worth it for 9.50/hr plus tire discounts!
Are you depressed? World got you down? Pie could be the answer! Everybody loves pie, and all you'd have to do is stand and get hit with one after another. Yum! So, it's a form of stand-up comedy! See Barnum and Bailey for info. Pay comes in the form of pie and peanuts.
Deer Hunter Killed By Wild Deer
Rudolf Fawn died two weeks ago at 47 by being attacked from a wild deer while hunting. Rudolf was the loner type, keeping to himself with his prized deer heads. He is survived by his brother, Buck, and his mother Doe. Funeral arrangements will be made at Hunter Greune Funeral Home in Prairie Grove this Thursday.
Frost the Snowman Dies Again
This was a devastating death for all of us as Frosty dies. He brought that cherry glow to our cheeks that we all love. He said not to worry as he'll be back as soon as we steal the magician's hat next winter. What's left of him will be cremated to ice cubes at the funeral on Tuesday at the "I Can't Believe Your Dead" funeral home.
James Bond Dies
James Bond, the respected and powerful British agent, died at 70 years old last night. It appeared he died of shobiz dysentery. It's a relatively new disease that the doctors are still trying to figure out. Bond's 17 wives said that they saw no difference in the way he was acting. With Bond's death, Britain is struggling to find a new agent. If you're interested, just call 1-800-ima-agnt. Until then, scientists are still working on revitalizing Sherlock Holmes or possibly Dr. Strangelove. Remember, tomorrow never dies.